Disorder in the American Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He s aid, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like

to rephrase that?

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

___________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.